Pwn3d

Yep, I did it.

And WOW what a ride it was.

Chris Hoff (@Beaker) started a movement in fueling today’s security professional, and I don’t even know if he realized the animal he’s unleashed on the world.  It’s called a Hoffacino (or Hoffachino), and boy are you in for some fun if you order one.  This ain’t your daddy’s coffee! Before being allowed to consume one of these things, you should have to present passing results from a full physical and psychological examination.

The experience of the Hoffacino starts when you order.  I was slightly embarrassed to order such an intricate drink from my neighborhood Barista. I mean, I might see this fine young citizen at the market!

I have a rule about Starbucks drinks. If your drink is described in more than five words, you must be 1) new at this, or 2) female.  When it comes to my coffee, I’m generally a latte kind of guy.  Seriously, why not combine the power of caffeine with the health benefits of milk?  This is the kind of breakfast fusion that a clown like me needs.  Regardless, I keep my orders to five words or less1.  Not so with the Hoffacino!

I waited until there was no line, and no cars entering the parking lot. Then I made the mad dash to order. Excerpted from Hoff’s blog above, here is the recipe:

Venti Starbucks Doubleshot on ice. 6 shots, 3 Splenda, no classic (syrup), breve (that’s 1/2 and 1/2 for those of you who don’t speak Starbucktalian).

Here’s how I ordered it:

Barista: What can I get you?

Me: uhh.. so like, this guy totally told me to get this super drink, and it’s wordy, so, uh, well, here goes….  (read the recipe)

Barista: Got it.  And not that bad.  I’ve heard MUCH worse.

OK, fair enough.  She got to work on the drink, and within a few minutes I had my very own Hoffacino “cooking” on my table.

Legendary

The drink was ominous.  The drink will be legendary.

I mean, just look at the thing.  My first impression was not only was it a thing of beauty, but I was not worthy to consume such a work of art.  After announcing to the Twitterverse that I was embarking on this journey, and literally putting my life in the hands of the first responders in my fair town, I was given several pieces of advice:

  • @diami03: Strap yourself in & get ready for the ride!
  • @jsokoly: Oh man.  It’s 2pm now, good luck getting to sleep.
  • @b10w: The heart palpitations will subside after about 20 mins… don’t be alarmed.
  • @diami03: (in response to @b10w) Sounds about right.  Shaking… well that’s another matter.
  • @jsokoly: Quick!  Which Bucks are you at in case your heart stops?

Dare I take a sip?  Should I dance with this seductive she-devil? In the back of my mind, A.D.A. Jack McCoy is screaming at me: “You can’t un-ring the bell!!”

I decided that if the fate of humanity ever depended on me drinking a Hoffacino (which if you know me, this is a very likely possibility), I didn’t want my first sip to be in said crisis situation.  After giving the drink a little shake, I took a long draw (see the top picture in the post, my first sip) of the caramel-colored liquid, savored the taste, and sat back in my chair.  It’s quite tasty. Intoxicating, even.  The coffee flavor comes through quite nicely, but the bitter edge is smoothed by the creme. I had another sip, and it was even better than the first.

It took a full five minutes for the effects of the elixir to fully take control, and BOY HOWDY, DID IT EVER!

My heart did not stop, the medics were not called, and my afternoon did not turn into me mowing my entire street’s lawns.  It took me a while to finish the Hoffacino, and I’m going to have to counter the effects of this liquid Jet-A with a beer or two if I plan on sleeping anytime in the next three days. Mr. Hoff is either an unbalanced sadist or a brilliant puppeteer creating his own drone army that buzzes around the net at near light speeds2.

I sure hope the world stays together such that I do not have to consume one under stress. Though be advised, if the world does fall apart and I must consume the Hoffacino to save it, I’ll be typing at 700 WPM, coding the fix to right the ship.  Or painting my house in the thirty minutes following said consumption.  Two coats, plus primer.  With a hobby brush.

This post originally appeared on BrandenWilliams.com.

  1. Non-fat is NOT two words, it’s hyphenated.  This only applies in the summer. []
  2. I swear I just heard “sudo make me a sandwich” from somewhere in my subconscious. []